Entry #3 - 7 Months Later...

Hi all. It's been quite awhile since the last update. Some of you are asking how things are going, and some of you may have forgotten about us entirely, so here's the latest from the Doyle house.

Today marks the 7 month anniversary of my car accident that left me with a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury. My decision to write has nothing to do with the anniversary. I just decided to write this update (probably a subconscious motivation to avoid creating pacing guides for the courses I'm teaching this quarter) and happened to notice just now that it's the 26th. I don't write based on dates or moments of importance, but during bouts of energy (and/or work avoidance). As a new school year begins I am doing more than I was able to do a few months ago, but still far less than I did before the accident, and I hope I'm currently able to do far less than I will do once this injury has reached its maximum healing point.

Last week Amy and I attended the Heart concert. Rock concerts are too overwhelming for me even without a brain injury, so I rarely attend them. But Ann Wilson is one of the greatest female vocalists ever, and the chances to see her perform are running out (she's  63!), so as my birthday gift Amy bought us tickets in June to attend an August concert. The conversation was something like this:
Amy - "Do you think you'll be able to attend a rock concert on August 20th?"
Me - "That's 2 1/2 months away! I'll probably heal a TON by then! Let's do it!"
August 20th arrived and far less healing had happened than I had anticipated. The conversation on the day of the concert went something like this:
Amy - "Do you think you'll be able to attend the concert tonight?"
Me - "As long as they play very quietly with no bright lights I'll be just fine."

We got there and I discovered that Amy got us AMAZING seats. In this case AMAZING is code for the loudest spot we could find. We were very close to the speakers and bright, flashing lights. It would have been quieter behind the drums. In fact, it would have been quieter inside of Ann Wilson's microphone. My sunglasses never came off (even when the moon was high above us) and the ear plugs saved me from passing out. To be clear, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since the accident. Nevertheless, the next day I felt HORRIBLE. I din't want to see any lights or hear any sounds. My head hurt, I felt weak, trembly, and ill. It felt like I had a MASSIVE hangover. But as I told Amy, judging by the number of beer cups on the ground at the concert, and having seen one woman assisted out of the venue before the end of the concert, I was probably not the only one with those symptoms on August 21st. It was totally worth it.

Work also started last week. I have a new computer with a new operating system, and all our courses have been moved to a new Learning Management System, so there's a lot to keep my brain busy and confused. I'm hoping that fumbling through the new systems for two weeks with will get me through it.

I'm still having light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, mild headaches, and word-finding difficulty. The fatigue is the most consistent factor in all this. For those who can relate, I've compared this to being in the first trimester of pregnancy all the time. I wake up with aspirations of completing a handful of things on a modest to-do list, but by noon (or sooner) I realize that list was ridiculously optimistic. A list I used to be able to complete in a day might take me a week to get through now. (If you're still waiting for thank-you cards from Kaiden's birthday party the first week of June, some have been written and they're on my dining room table.)

In late July I was in Morton Grove to stay with my family for two weeks. I took Kaiden, while Amy stayed back home in Longmont to get some much-needed rest from keeping our family going since the accident. While in Morton Grove I'd come down for fantastic breakfast and Kaiden might already be fed and clothed and ready to join his cousins for play at the park. I'd go upstairs and sleep while they played, then come down for another great meal (or homemade cream puffs!!!) before retreating to bed for the night. I'd recommend this experience to any and all mothers out there. I got to do a few fun things while I was there, but I was able to check off very few of the things on my list of what I wanted to do and people I wanted to see while I was home. I did get a lot of rest, however, which is exactly what I had been ordered to do.

I haven't done anything physically active since the accident, but I'm eager to start swimming again when it makes sense. Just wanting to be active is a good sign. For a few months the thought of physical activity was awful because of the injuries to my right side. Once the side was feeling better I didn't have the motivation because of the persistent fatigue. A brief bike ride two days ago proved to me that it's too soon to do that. A one-hour yoga session when I was visiting my family proved to me that it's too soon for that. Twenty minutes of yoga seems to work, and short bouts of walking is just perfect for where I'm at right now. I've surrendered to the fact that I'll not play soccer again, because the risk of another head injury is just too great. I was gleefully active in two women's leagues when the accident happened, so giving up soccer is a bummer for me. I'm sure I won't have trouble finding other ways to keep active and gleeful outdoors in Colorado. ;-)

As for progress... In June I never would have been able to fly to Chicago with Kaiden. In June I never would have been able to go to the Heart concert -- or even near the venue. I'm eating in restaurants again, which was really overwhelming to me in June. I had no desire to get on a bicycle or into a pool just a few months ago. Progress is slow, and expectations are lower, but healing continues.

I continue to be incredibly grateful for everything Amy does for our family when I am not at my best. I'm also really grateful to be teaching online, because I'd never be able to continue work if I had to go to a classroom every day. Please forgive us for not being better about getting out and about with friends and family, and thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. We appreciate them all!

Entry #2: After The Vicodin

“Oh cool! ‘Spamalot’ is coming to Denver! Oh. Nevermind. I bet that would hurt my brain.”

This and other unusual sentences have made their way into my thoughts lately. The car accident was January 26^th. The aftermath continues. I’ve disclosed bits and pieces of this chapter with a number of people now, but now that Spring Break has arrived I have a chance to update everyone on what’s been happening.

For the first month after the car accident my biggest concerns were related to the pain in my right side. I was lucky to escape rib fractures and a lacerated liver, but I had lots of muscle strain, join sprains, soft tissue adhesions in my rib cage, diaphragm, and surrounding muscles from my arm pit to my right hip. Everything hurt, including breathing and lying down. I didn’t wear a bra, or shoes that required lacing, for weeks. I couldn’t lift Kaiden, which caused both practical and emotional setbacks for both of us. Sometimes he needs to be picked up to be taken to the car seat he doesn’t want to enter, and other times he needs to be picked up because he just skinned his knee. But I couldn’t pick him up and hugs were intolerably painful. I wasn’t there for him all that much due to my injuries.

But something else started happening. In early January I had taken 8 hours of continuing education on the use of Therapeutic Yoga in Sports Rehabilitation toward my Athletic Trainer certification upkeep. After the accident I told Amy, “I think I would really benefit from… (*imagine awkward, pained stretching mime action here*)… you know… the stretching practice…” She volunteered, “You mean yoga?” Oh, what a relief it felt like to hear the word I was working so hard to find, which I thought I knew so well. Later the garbage disposal started leaking, and I referred to it as “the spinny thingy… in the sink...” That was happening more regularly than seemed normal, so Amy made me promise to bring it up at my next appointment. I shrugged it off. I had been on Vicodin and Valium for pain and muscle spasm for a few weeks. And pain can be very distracting in itself, so of course I was off my game. I just needed to heal physically and all would be well mentally.

I brought it up in passing at the end of my next appointment, after my doctor had already closed her laptop (signal that the visit is over). “Oh… and I almost forgot, but I promised I’d share with you on Amy’s behalf that I’m having some trouble word finding.” I fully expected, “Of course you are! You’re on Vicodin and Valium, and pain can be very distracting!” Instead she asked more questions, re-opened her laptop, and brought up the possibility of Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (MTBI). “Given the impact with which you were hit, it’s not unlikely.” With every fiber of my being, and with every rational argument I had, I argued with that conclusion. I had never lost consciousness, I had been completely alert at the accident, while being removed from my car I was noting that my blood pressure being read off by the paramedic indicated no internal bleeding… She dismissed my arguments and told me I’d need to stop multi-tasking immediately, which I am still wondering how to accomplish. I also began to realize at that appointment what it might mean for our family if I had to drastically cut back on my activitiy. That was the first time I would weep after the accident, but not the last.

After the Vicodin and Valium weren't needed for pain anymore, things got worse. I had blamed the medications for the sluggishness and fatigue, but didn't realize how much they had masked until I stopped them. Increased symptoms after I came off the meds made it clear that I was indeed suffering from MBTI. Light and sound sensitivity are the most significant symptoms so far, so the blinds have been closed for weeks, and I’m walking around with ear plugs a lot. Then there’s the headaches, major sensitivity to smells, and persistent fatigue. I’m terribly slow getting anywhere, and when I’m in conversation I’m not as mentally nimble, so I can be derailed from a sentence if there’s a background noise or if someone cuts into the conversation to add something. I’ve been doing a lot of, “Now where was I?”

The emotional roller coaster has been an interesting thing I’ve never experienced. I’ll have to return my “Mother Of The Year” award (the one I was awarded after catching Kaiden’s vomit in my hands in order to save the sofa a few months ago). Last week Kaiden and the puppy were playing like crazy, running around the main floor, and neither seemed to be hearing me tell them to calm down, so I screamed at the top of my lungs, “JUST STOP!!!! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!!! I CAN’T STAND IT!!” They both stopped. But coming unhinged isn’t something I strive for as a means of achieving peace in the home. Symptoms of anxiety just creep up, not due to any thoughts of anything anxiety-provoking. I could be watching a funny show or something, and suddenly my heart is beating like crazy and I feel a major surge of adrenaline to help me through whatever crisis my body thinks is happening. It’s all neurological. I’ve never had any experience with anxiety attacks in the past, but know so many people who do suffer from them, so this is a whole new understanding of what that’s like.

The treatment is mental rest, which feels like a seriously defeating suggestion. I’ve got a job and a 4 year-old, and Amy travels a lot, so there are days when resting mentally just isn’t possible. I’m grateful to be working from home, as it has allowed me to take naps in the middle of the day, which I have discovered help me recharge enough from a morning of grading papers that I don’t suffer from the headaches as much in the evenings. Amy has been very understanding and supportive. It has felt awful to ask her to do more than she’s already doing, but we have always made a pretty good team, and when one is down the other can usually step up. On several days she’s had to do the the drop-off at pre-school routine in the morning, the pick-up routine after pre-school, taking Kaiden to his weekly gymnastics lessons, and the bedtime reading routine. We’ve suspended swim lessons, and thankfully ski lessons are finished for the year, so that’s a few items off our plates. I’ve also been ordered to stop volunteering for things, and to stop attending really interesting professional development opportunities that come along (It was a full-day professional development workshop I was headed to when I got into the accident.) We don’t go out much, because the background noise feels like it’s flicking my brain and I spend the whole time wincing. Life has taken on a slower and more reclusive pace for me, while Amy’s life has sped up considerably.

Despite the increased stress levels, I continue to count my blessings on most days. I’ve been in very good hands medically, from the ER to my doctor, physical therapist, massage therapist and the speech therapist doing my cognitive rehab. Finally, through my years of working with injured people in hospitals and in sporting venues, I’ve known many people who have been in collisions far more minor, who ended up with injuries that were far more severe. It could have been so much worse. All I can do is follow everyone’s medical advice and pray my brain will recover to its pre-injury capacity with some speed, but realize there may be a “new normal” for us to adjust to in the Doyle home for an unknown time to come.

I hold no malice toward the other driver. I am working on the assumption that he was not impaired by drugs or alcohol, wasn't texting, and wasn't doing anything else terribly irresponsible while driving. Even with these assumptions, I know that accidents happen. I have coasted through intersections twice in my life on black ice, and by some miracle in both cases no one was in the intersection for me to hit. Driving is a dangerous activity, and things like this are always possible, and sometimes result in far worse than what I'm dealing with. In this accident, despite several witness accounts that the other motorist had a red light, and a police citation for running a red light, he continues to insist he had the green light. From his side of things he experienced a 45mph head-on collision that sent the other car (me) across three lanes of traffic and spun his car 180 degrees and left it un-drivable. He was walking around the accident scene after the accident, but as much as I’m having after-effects from the accident, I have to believe he is having after-effects as well. I hope he’s ok. He’ll turn 80 this year.

Thank you to all for your questions of how you might help. Amy’s dear friend Donna has cooked and frozen enough meals for us to feed us for a few weeks, which is an incredible help for us. The freezer is officially at capacity. We’re making adjustments to our daily routines and reallocation of workload around here, and have removed some of the things I used to do. Spring Break has finally arrived for me and my mother is coming to the rescue from Chicago for the second time in 6 weeks in order to let me rest even more. Finally, now that Amy and I have embraced this new reality, and have experienced our new limitations, we’ll do a better job of reaching out and asking for help when we need it. We know we have a lot of wonderful people around us, so now we just need to impose upon you when it’s sensible. Thanks again, and for those who pray, continue to send prayers for all three of us. J

My Fun Adventure

For those of you with questions and want to know the whole story, yesterday’s accident was quite an adventure. Maybe not a “fun adventure” as Kaiden put it, but an adventure nonetheless. I was heading to a Holucaust Educator seminar in Lakewood, which was to start at 9:00am. At about 8:15 I was southbound on 287 when I approached Baseline Road in Lafayette. I had the green so I didn’t slow for the intersection… and unfortunately neither did the guy with the red light coming from my right on Baseline. He was probably moving at the posted speed when he struck the right side of my car, and I didn’t even know he was blowing through the red until he was just a few feet away from me. It sounds cliche', but it happened so fast.

After the impact I couldn’t see anything because all the air bags deployed, I had the wind knocked out of me really bad, and there was smoke filling the car from the air bags. I had no control of the car as it slid left across several lanes into oncoming traffic.  The horn went off with the airbag deployment, and it wouldn't go off, which added to the chaotic feel of the event. My visibility was no good, so I don’t know if anyone was northbound as I was crossing those lanes, but no one else hit me, which feels like athe first of many miracles.

My first thought was that I was probably very seriously injured. My right side hurt terribly and it was hard fo me to breathe, so I assumed I had broken ribs, maybe a punctured lung?, hopefully not a flail chest injury, hopefully no internal bleeding or liver damage… I looked for my phone and called 9-1-1 to request an ambulance to the intersection. Many people had pulled over to help.

The first person to my car said, “I’m here to help. I’m an EMT, and [pointing to the woman next to him] this woman is a nurse.”  Seriously?! An EMT and a nurse are the firt at the scene?! The nurse was actually wearing medical scrubs and a stethoscope around her neck! I replied, “Oh good! I’m an EMT, too.” We all knew what to do. I stayed still. I got back on the phone to call Amy. It hurt to talk and breathe, but I was able to tell her I was going to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for an evaluation, and asked her to meet me there. Then I added, “I’m at Baseline and 287, and I can practically see Christina’s house from where my car stopped. Can you let her know?” Christina is one of my closest friends and favorite people, so it felt natural to let her know. While on the phone with Amy she could hear the sirens approaching.

The ambulance was there in no time, and the off-duty nurse and EMT who had come to my aid didn’t leave me until the ambulance arrived. When the paramedics go there I was put into an immobilizer collar while I sat still in my driver’s seat. I asked a couple times if anyone could find the glasses I had been wearing. No one could find them. They put me on a spineboard and loaded me onto a gurney then into the ambulance. They were thoughtful enough to ask what I’d like from the car, and they grabbed my purse and computer backpack.

My friend Christina was first to arrive at the E.R. – a most welcome face to see. She joked that if I had wanted a new car I didn’t have to smash up the old one quite so bad. She assured me that my car had done an incredible job saving my life, as she had seen the wreckage on her way to the hospital and couldn’t believe it. Soon Amy was by my side in the ER, too. She also saw the wreckage on the way, and it had her pretty shook up. When she gripped my hand she couldn’t contain her tears of relief. Kaiden was busy checking out the Emergency Room and all its interesting beeps, lights, and people in scrubs with masks and cool machines. Amy said that when they had gone through the accident intersection Kaiden saw “Little Blue” (our Honda Civic) and looked very sad as he said, “Little Blue is all broken?” Amy reassured him that it’s okay. She said I was okay, we’d get a new car to replace Little Blue, and he could even help us pick it out. His grief over our beloved “Little Blue” disappeared pretty instantly with that sentence.

Christina continued to be an amazing friend as she took Kaiden home with her to play with her son Jameson while Amy and I remained at the hospital, then she even offered to provide me with a pair of her pants to wear home, in liu of the ones I was wearing that had been drenched by a brand new 32 ounce cup of iced tea from Qdoba that had splashed into my seat during impact. Only a true friend will give you their pants.

The police officer from the accident scene came into my ER room and handed me my prescription sun glasses. “Are these yours?” Indeed they were! I asked if she found them in the car. She said, “No, they were some distance north of your car, in the intersection, close to the point of impact.” It turns out my glasses flew off my face and out of the side of the car where the windows had been smashed out. I have a scratch on my nose from that – maybe from the air bag knocking them off my face? I'll never know, but it was certainly a hard collision.

After lots of tests, IV pain killers and a CT scan, we were told there was nothing life-threatening for us to worry about – just bruises and sprains on my right side and ribs – and we were told I could go home. I opened my purse to find my regular glasses. They had been in my purse in a rigid glasses case in the passenger floorboard, and they were broken. Had anyone been in the passenger seat – or in Kaiden’s child seat in the backseat – there is no doubt in my mind they would have been killed. The whole event helped us realize how incredibly lucky we are to have one another in this family.

As for the man that hit me. I never did meet him. He was up and out of his car, which was also un-drivable after the collision. He sustained no injuries. When the officer came to my room in the ER she described him as “an older gentleman.” She said he reported that he thought he had the green, but several witnesses affirmed that he did not. He was cited for running a red light. The officer said there were no skid marks or reports from bystanders that he had tried to break or swerve before the accident. The impact was completely unrestrained.

Amy and I headed home with a prescription for Oxycodone. Christina kept Kaiden for a few hours while Amy was getting me situated at home and picking up prescriptions. Within minutes of arriving home I received a call from our family doctor and dear friend Mary. We weren't about to bother her with this story because she was leaving town for a nice weekend in the mountains. But the ER had called her office, and the office then called her – on a Saturday morning. She called me to get the details of what happened. She wasn’t satisfied that they had just prescribed Oxycodone, so she called Amy to keep her from picking that up until she had also called in Valium for muscle relaxation. Then she called the pharmacy to order the prescription, then called Amy again, and then called me to let me know it was all taken care of. All that on her “day off” while she was in a car headed out of town for vacation.

Once at home, Kaiden came into my room to give me a big hug. “No no no no no, Kaiden. You can’t hug me like that. I’m really sore.”
He replied, “Why are you sore?”
I said, “You know how you saw “Little Blue” all smashed up this morning?”
“Uh huh.” 
“Well, I was in Little Blue when it got smashed up.”
He gasped, then said, “What happened?” 
“Well, I was driving, another car hit me really hard, the ambulance came and took me to the hospital, I had lots of tests done to make sure I was okay…”
He said with bright eyes, “Wasn’t it a fun adventure?!”
That boy is the best. He’s so quick to smile and see things from a positive perspective. If I wasn’t so sore I’d have hugged him harder than ever.

So I posted his comment on Facebook and DOZENS of friends and family from all over the country - over 3 dozen and counting, in fact - sent kind thoughts, prayers and offers to help. John Rostykus even offered some fresh green chile stew, which appeared on our front porch within the hour! Thanks, John!!

It was quite a day. We are feeling remarkably blessed, and so fortunate that a) I lived; b) my injuries were minor; c) the strangers who pulled over at the scene were so capable and kind; d) “Little Blue’s” safety features all worked perfectly to save my life; e) we are able to call some really fantastic people our friends! And if that wasn’t enough to be grateful for, I also got a pair of socks with little rubber traction nubbies on the bottom at the ER, and I got John's fantastic green chile stew when I got home!! My gratitude is boundless.

Thank you to everyone who jumped to our assistance, to those who conveyed support online or in text messages and phone calls. And for those praying for speedy healing. It seems to be working, as I awoke this morning with far less pain than I was anticipating. We are exceedingly blessed, and exceedingly grateful. J Love you all!!